Home is where the heart is.

Recently I have been faced with the challenge of deciding the "next step" in life: where to settle down and make a life with my husband, Will. I knew that growing up would be tough, but I didn't know how difficult it would be to decide the next 5-10 years of my life. Maybe it's because I'm barely 25 and trying to make decisions that are bigger than me...Maybe it's because I feel screwed over no matter which choice I make. Oh Catch-22, we should rename you Life.

My husband and I have been pretty dead set on going to Colorado, our land of opportunity and legal weed. Our Promised Land. California has gotten claustrophobic and uncomfortable with the amount of regulations on simply being a human. You can't walk out the door without worrying if your clothes are environmentally friendly. Also, the cost of living is way too fucking high.


                                              $1895 / 500ft - Studio (Noe Valley)

Maybe you didn't see that...   $1895 for 500 FUCKING FEET. And guess what, someone in San Francisco is going to be EXSTATIC over how "affordable it is for the area."  Pffffffffttttttt yeah right.

Looking at Colorado we were greeted with so many options for buying a home, renting to own, and learning that being alive doesn't always have to be expensive.  Plus, despite cost of living being so much lower, the average income is the same (if not more) than the bay area. OK, so far Colorado is in the lead.

If the problem is money, why not just find a good paying job here in California? Well, applicant to job ratio is significantly disproportionate. One job opening will have 80 or more people fighting each other for the slight possibility of being interviewed. Long story short, it's hard out here for a pimp. It's not anything new that getting a job is not easy here in California. The Colorado economy is in a much better position, and has more jobs with less people. Colorado: still looking good.

Moving out of California would be scary, perhaps even terrifying for me. All my life, I have lived near my parents, either in the same town or 2 hours away. Yes, it sounds childish but my family has been my constant, the only people who helped me keep my shit together during the hardest years of my life and leaving them will be heartbreaking. Not being able to hug my dad until the next one of us books a flight? Oh my Science, kill me now. However, what comes from this immediate separation is the chance for Will and I to become a stronger entity. We will have no one to depend on but ourselves, and for a while we will be each others only friends. This move would be a leap of faith, and complete trust that I am 100% sure we will not fail, as a couple and at stepping out on our own. Colorado: still gaining steam.

For many reasons, I am ready to take that leap of faith. We believe enough in each other and in our marriage that failure is not a possibility.

Well. Now a curveball has been thrown our way. For months now I have been determined to move to Colorado, nothing can change my mind, no matter how many people were pissed or sad that I was leaving; it did not matter. Then, it came up that I might have a possible job offer in San Francisco that would accomplish the goals we were hoping to achieve in Colorado. We would be financially independent, stable, debt free, and working towards our future family. I would have health insurance, and possibly have some of my graduate school paid for. Everything that we would be moving for...So now what?

I asked Will, "where will you be the happiest, like, where does your heart want to be?" His response (get ready for an aweeeehhhh) "wherever you are, is where I am happy. I don't care where we end up, as long as we are together."  I love him. It proves the point that home is where the heart is, and no matter where you are you can be happy.

I thought that California was the source of my frustration and discontent. But, maybe it's just where I am at the moment. Living in a cramped house with no marital autonomy, unable to enjoy being newlyweds, and barely staying out of financial distress. We can stay in California and move to another town and start our life anew, without a costly move so far away.

Perhaps I thought moving far away would fill the void of what I have been "missing" all these years. When in reality, there is no longer a void because I found what I was searching for within my husband, and it doesn't matter which state we live in as long as we have each other.


We have a song, and it gets us through shitty days and tough times. My Pandora station seems to always know when I am thinking of him because it plays this song constantly.
 It helps remind me that I have all that I need, no matter where I end up.

The heavens are a little brighter, our hearts a little darker.

I've been introspective all morning, trying to put words to my emotions and maybe quiet my grief. We always think of what we should have said, should have done, anything more than what we've done after someone has passed away. Every time I think of Michelle I think of her laugh, and her adorable voice and no matter how angry someone is, her smile could change that mood. I have been battling with myself, going back and forth between the emotion of grieving her death and then feeling as though I don't deserve to grieve because I was not as close as some others were to her. As though I have not earned the right to feel this pain...

Then I realized, I may not have been her best friend but I learned from her and found that she left an undeniable mark on my heart. She taught me that a smile and laughter is more healing than yelling or hurting someone. There was never a moment that I was around her when I did not find myself smiling also, it was hard to resist. Whenever I saw her, she had a beaming smile on her face filled with love.

If only we could all be like that every day of our lives, and be genuine.

We all have lost loved ones in our life, and it never gets any easier. Each life is precious, and when it is taken, it takes a piece of us all. I did not hang out with Michelle everyday, or even talk to her daily, yet I still feel a void in my heart. I can feel the loss deep within.

My heart will never let go of the memory or love for Michelle, I will carry that always.

A few dear friends of mine are relying on my strength to help them through this. For them I am holding it together and coping on my own. Which is okay, I think I prefer it that way because I mourn in a very personal manner and I have strong coping mechanisms (I can thank years of therapy for that). I feel strengthened by those who feel safe with me, safe to be hysterical and trust I will be able to calm them down once they got all the crazy out. I know that we will get through this, be stronger, and live with purpose and meaning. 

I offer my shoulder to those who need it. I will listen for hours if you want to. I will scream at the top of a hill with you. I will hold you until the tears stop. And I will keep my heart strong for when yours is weak. I offer my strength for you to lean on. I am not a religious person, but I will pray with you if it quiets your mind and gives you peace. I cannot promise that I will not hurt, but I can promise that I will love you until the pain starts to subside.

When the grief starts to overwhelm you, breath deeply, and feel Michelle's love within your heart. Trust that she knew how important she was to you, and her spirit will be with us always, smiling her radiant, beautiful smile.

We love and miss you Michelle...

The Myth of My Strong Persona

 Our outward appearance says a lot about the person we are, what we like to do, and the social circles we interact with. We use our clothes, brands, make-up, tattoos, and shoes to "mark" ourselves and signify the groups we are associated with... we have the Bros, the metal-heads, stoners, high maintenance chicks, those loosely affiliated with gangs, nerds, D&D nerds (yes, I am acknowledging the difference), athletic dudes that never wear pants but always gym shorts, high maintenance men with more hair gel than a salon, overly committed sports fans, hippy free-spirits, the socially awkward socialites (personal favorite), heavily tattooed alternative men and women (another favorite, after all, that's where I fit best), and the "I'm getting old" young person.... If while reading that you couldn't picture anyone of those people as some of your friends, then you might want to make some friends.




It's ok if you don't have any friends...neither does awkward turtle.

There came a time in my life when I adopted the "bad-ass" persona. It was placed upon me, never self-proclaimed. So you punch a few guys and break a few of their noses, start a couple bar fights, challenge men that are 3 times your size, fuck shit up in mosh-pits, have a sleeve, and referee chick fights...all the sudden you become a bad-ass. Well, it might not be an incorrect label, however it puts pressure on me to always be that person.

I know what I am capable of in the physical sense, and that I don't back down if I feel justified that this person deserves an ass beating. But I don't always want to fight or engage in violence. The internal struggle that this label creates, and the fear of letting people know I am actually quite sensitive, continues to force me to stay "the bad-ass bitch" tough girl. Socially, I am not comfortable flirting, acting like a "lady", or pretending to fit in with other women. I actually don't like most women, because they are catty, rude, and always wrapped up in starting drama... I digress. Every once and a while, when I wear a dress I hear a friend or an acquaintance remark at the fact that I am indeed a lady. I crack jokes like "don't let this dress fool you, I'll still punch you." Yeah, it's funny and creates a humorous interaction (mostly with men that don't know if their dick should be scared or turned on...Fear Boner, FACT) but it makes me disappointed that that is how I am perceived even when I try to be different.

At the end of the day, I am left with a feeling that no one really knows who I truly am. My feelings continually are scarred from those who are insensitive and assume they cannot hurt me.

Sometimes I wonder what people would think of me if I just stopped being that tough girl, man fighting, metal-head. Would they know how to interact with me? Will I be perceived as a bullshitter?

Fitting in...a worry since pre-school.

                                  I am the duck...

The point is, my personality goes deeper than being a tough girl...because I'm not always tough. I have a heart that hurts like anyone else, feelings that get trampled on, emotions that aren't acknowledged or appreciated. I am patient, and caring.. to the point that I care for others more than myself. I don't want to forever be known as the girl who is more likely to break your nose than hug you...my heart is heavy with that worry.

So, what's behind the admission of being a Sensitive Sally? Perhaps for people who take the time to read this to get to know me, the true me. A few that I've known for a long time will read this and grasp the stress that this creates for me, and already know the person I am within. Maybe for others that have no idea who I am will start thinking more about those around them, and how they are perceived. We judge too harshly and draw unfair conclusions about people simply based on 30 seconds or less within meeting them.

I urge everyone to take a moment, upon meeting someone new, to give them a chance to prove you wrong. We all deserve a chance to be appreciated, loved, and acknowledged for being the people we truly are. After all, tough girls need love too...


I like big butts, and I cannot lie.

For as long as the media has been around, there has been a constant debate over what is considered attractive and what is not: Blondes vs. Brunettes, Skinny vs. Curvy, Boobs vs. Ass. And any other anatomy versus another. Most women already know how much stress this causes us, the pressure to be attractive and  be appealing as the media says to be. Well, just the other day, the owner (and my amazingly hot friend) of the modeling group I work with asked us girls for our sizes so she can get us our Christmas presents... I was the first to respond and for a while the only one. I stared at my sizes as if they were plastered on a billboard and immediately became self-conscious.

HEY EVERYONE, I HAVE A BIG ASS AND HUGE BOOBS BUT I'M ALSO REALLY SHORT. IT'S NOT AWKWARD AT ALL.

While looking at my sizes, then of pictures of myself, and then of what the media considers fat or "curvy", I fall into the category of Plus-sized model. Now.. to be fair my pants are of the larger variety, mostly to fit my amazingly round ass into them. But I don't think of myself as plus-sized. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I have a few lady crushes on women who are nice and thick (yay boobs!) and they are fantastically beautiful. Perhaps I take extra sensitivity to this topic because through high school and college I was in the best shape of my life, and I fit into smalls, size 7 jeans and size 6 dresses, hardly ever having to try things on...

College: Italy wins world cup. Yeah buddy! I was also my natural hair color back then.

Lately, life has changed.

I've gotten a little older, health problems have kicked in.

This is what I look like these days.. Size 12, DD, "good birthing hips" (giggity?), and I weigh about 155.

Now: my father and I on my wedding day 2 weeks ago

Some amateur modeling, showing curves and lines...ass ass ass ass 

It might sound ridiculous, but putting my measurements and weight up for people to see is very difficult. No one likes to admit they are a size they are not comfortable with. Media says I am overweight. Some days I agree, and other days, like today, I decide to disagree. Sure I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I have more important things to worry about. I am healthy, happy, and not unpleasant to look at...so it works out.

The main point I want to get across is that size is not everything. When you reach a certain place in life, pleasing everyone with your looks is not longer a priority. I am learning to be at peace with my body, instead of battling against it.

Love yourself, no matter how big your pants are (heyoooo), how wide your hips are, or how much ass you may or may not have. If the person you are with wants you to change what you look like, turn around and walk away from them. You'll find someone that will see your beauty emanate from the inside out, where it truly counts. 

It has taken me years of self-development and conquering bulimia to be able to say that. I don't need to lose weight because...fuck you!

Relationshits?

While having some girl talk with a good friend of mine about relationships and positive mindsets, I realized how much our mentality effects everything around us. If our mind is focused on internal fears, our subconscious will manifest these fears into reality. For example, have you ever had the feeling right when you woke up that the WHOLE day is going to be shitty? (Duh, it's called Monday...) Guess how your day turns out? Shitty. Everything sucks, and the small things reinforce what we woke up believing: "Janice didn't replace the sticky notes again. GODDAMMIT JANICE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!" When in reality, it's not that big of a deal. Spilled coffee? That's another reason to believe the ENTIRE day has turned to shit. Ridiculous out of context, but a relatable situation nonetheless. 

            
              We've all been there....

Looking at the bigger picture, we do this subconsciously with relationships, romantic and platonic. Speaking from personal experience, in most relationships, I firmly believe it is only a matter of time before that person walks away and leaves my life. This has happened, and it plays into abandonment fears that I've carried for a while. That fear that they are going to leave me becomes a reality because it effects my behavioral choices and emotional interactions. The mind is a powerful thing, and once you realize what fears you are playing into, you can change behavior and negative thoughts. Feeding fear takes a lot of energy, energy that could be spent on focusing on positive thoughts and behaviors. It took serious personal effort for me to understand and acknowledge my fears, and start to TRUST, the antithesis of fear. Once I let go of that fear, I was able to accept a healthy and loving relationship without the constant worry of "is today the day he's going to leave me?".

More often than not, the key to a healthy relationship is looking within and recognizing what is holding us back from emotionally connecting with another person. As the popular saying goes, you can't love someone until you love yourself. It's cliche, yes, I know, but there is a lot of truth to it. If you're in a constant internal conflict, how can you let someone in and expect the end result to be positive? It ends up in self sabotage because you think that person deserves someone better than what you have to offer. Stop it. Throughout life we will always have an issue to overcome, whether we bring it into the relationship or it develops during. Being under the expectation of perfection is unrealistic. You are not perfect, and neither is your partner. Embrace the imperfections and flaws of each other, and leave behind the demand of everything being perfect all the time. Real life is not at all like a romance novel. (Although I wouldn't mind a little fifty shades of grey action once in a while...heyooo!)


          

I realize that this blog is very "self-helpy" but having a degree in psychology and my emphasis be in Positive Psychology, I enjoy sharing ways to refocus consciousness. All the things I've said, somewhere in our minds we already know, and I'm just bringing it to the forefront of awareness. Plus, with the holidays coming up, there are a lot of ends to relationships (the foreboding "turkey drop" as I like to call it) and even some beginnings. This time of the year is hard for mostly everyone, it's a time of reflection, and hopes to make significant changes for the year to come.

Love like they won't be there tomorrow and love yourself just as much. 

And have sex. Lots, and lots of sex. Safe sex though... don't be a fool wrap your tool.

Fitting in to society: Who needs to?

Most of my life I have not quite fit into any one circle of society. In high school, I was too much of a"jock" to hang out with the "nerds". But I was too much of a "nerd" to hang out with the "jocks", and never in the "popular" crowd. So I mostly hung out alone, or with my 2 best friends. By the time I made it to college, my mindset became that I'm simply an outcast. Not the weirdo sacrificing goats in his dorm summoning spirits (although there is even a place for that guy with the Pagans and Wickens) but the outcast that doesn't have a definite social signifier.

            
                                    A goat. Isn't he cute?

Metal
The metal genre of music brought me into a subculture. It's odd because it is another interest of mine that ISN'T ACCEPTED IN SOCIETY. Dammit. Okay so not everyone can fall asleep to some intense pig squeals and brutal breakdowns. However, there is a view of "metal heads" that we are anarchists, detriment to social structure, uneducated, drug using, dirty, greasy, long-haired, miscreants... Alright, we all have that ONE friend that is exactly that (mine is named, Metal Bob...yeah..). That misconception leaves me not wanting to be forthcoming with my taste in music. My career background is corporate finance, and while I am in the middle of managing accounts, my headphones are flooding my brain cells with delicious screams and tasty breakdowns. It's entertaining when coworkers find out my favorite band, or the concerts I went to over the weekend (yeah, explaining black eyes or bruised ribs from a mosh pit isn't easy). I might love gut busting death growls, but dammit I am considerate to knowing that most people don't want to listen to what I like.

That brings me to...

Tattoos
The prevalence of young people in our generation getting tattoos is almost shocking. It is no longer a subculture, because pretty much everyone has at least 1 tattoo. A little butterfly on your hip, or stars on your feet: totally accepted. I, on the other hand, have every intention of as much skin as possible being tattooed. My arm, thigh, and ribs already have little to no skin showing. Sometimes I get a lot of shit for my artwork, people saying I "destroyed my body". I've even heard "you were pretty, until I saw those tattoos. It's a shame". Well. Fuck off. I have taken the path of owning my skin, it is my own, and I choose to make it beautiful how I see fit. My husband admires my art, he even has a favorite piece that he adores and cherishes. The fact that I had so many beautiful tattoos is what drew him to me initially (and my awesome ass, I mean, that thing is good). When someone puts down my tattoos, I feel that they are in fact putting down the different parts of who I am as a person. And that doesn't make anyone feel good at all.

                                                       
                                                                      Boomin' Granny

I respect your opinion about me, I cannot change it, I accept it, and I don't want to hear it if it's hurtful.

When we are younger, it is SO essential to fit in. To be well liked. Fulfill the template of what the media is putting out for us to be. We look at all the kids who have the hottest clothes, shoes, cell phones, and all that shit. Though as we get older, we start to realize (hopefully anyway) that not everyone will like us, approve of our lifestyle, accept our choices. And that's okay. My outward appearance can be deceiving and perceived as a brutal metal chick that doesn't have feelings, is an asshole, and is ignorant of classic culture. Sometimes I am content with that because it keeps the hurtful people out, and those who want to take the time to know me, realize the true me. Yeah, I'm pretty brutal at times, but I'm incredibly aware of peoples emotions and I feel deeply for others. Only few experience the soft-side, know that I am classically trained to play the piano, I am fluent in French and Italian, I can cook food from all cultures....oh, and I love robots, Star Wars and physics.

I am a physical contradiction.  

Be at peace with who you are. Love yourself. Embrace differences and similarities. Never lose who you are to please others. Turn your struggles into victories.