The heavens are a little brighter, our hearts a little darker.

I've been introspective all morning, trying to put words to my emotions and maybe quiet my grief. We always think of what we should have said, should have done, anything more than what we've done after someone has passed away. Every time I think of Michelle I think of her laugh, and her adorable voice and no matter how angry someone is, her smile could change that mood. I have been battling with myself, going back and forth between the emotion of grieving her death and then feeling as though I don't deserve to grieve because I was not as close as some others were to her. As though I have not earned the right to feel this pain...

Then I realized, I may not have been her best friend but I learned from her and found that she left an undeniable mark on my heart. She taught me that a smile and laughter is more healing than yelling or hurting someone. There was never a moment that I was around her when I did not find myself smiling also, it was hard to resist. Whenever I saw her, she had a beaming smile on her face filled with love.

If only we could all be like that every day of our lives, and be genuine.

We all have lost loved ones in our life, and it never gets any easier. Each life is precious, and when it is taken, it takes a piece of us all. I did not hang out with Michelle everyday, or even talk to her daily, yet I still feel a void in my heart. I can feel the loss deep within.

My heart will never let go of the memory or love for Michelle, I will carry that always.

A few dear friends of mine are relying on my strength to help them through this. For them I am holding it together and coping on my own. Which is okay, I think I prefer it that way because I mourn in a very personal manner and I have strong coping mechanisms (I can thank years of therapy for that). I feel strengthened by those who feel safe with me, safe to be hysterical and trust I will be able to calm them down once they got all the crazy out. I know that we will get through this, be stronger, and live with purpose and meaning. 

I offer my shoulder to those who need it. I will listen for hours if you want to. I will scream at the top of a hill with you. I will hold you until the tears stop. And I will keep my heart strong for when yours is weak. I offer my strength for you to lean on. I am not a religious person, but I will pray with you if it quiets your mind and gives you peace. I cannot promise that I will not hurt, but I can promise that I will love you until the pain starts to subside.

When the grief starts to overwhelm you, breath deeply, and feel Michelle's love within your heart. Trust that she knew how important she was to you, and her spirit will be with us always, smiling her radiant, beautiful smile.

We love and miss you Michelle...