I like big butts, and I cannot lie.

For as long as the media has been around, there has been a constant debate over what is considered attractive and what is not: Blondes vs. Brunettes, Skinny vs. Curvy, Boobs vs. Ass. And any other anatomy versus another. Most women already know how much stress this causes us, the pressure to be attractive and  be appealing as the media says to be. Well, just the other day, the owner (and my amazingly hot friend) of the modeling group I work with asked us girls for our sizes so she can get us our Christmas presents... I was the first to respond and for a while the only one. I stared at my sizes as if they were plastered on a billboard and immediately became self-conscious.

HEY EVERYONE, I HAVE A BIG ASS AND HUGE BOOBS BUT I'M ALSO REALLY SHORT. IT'S NOT AWKWARD AT ALL.

While looking at my sizes, then of pictures of myself, and then of what the media considers fat or "curvy", I fall into the category of Plus-sized model. Now.. to be fair my pants are of the larger variety, mostly to fit my amazingly round ass into them. But I don't think of myself as plus-sized. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I have a few lady crushes on women who are nice and thick (yay boobs!) and they are fantastically beautiful. Perhaps I take extra sensitivity to this topic because through high school and college I was in the best shape of my life, and I fit into smalls, size 7 jeans and size 6 dresses, hardly ever having to try things on...

College: Italy wins world cup. Yeah buddy! I was also my natural hair color back then.

Lately, life has changed.

I've gotten a little older, health problems have kicked in.

This is what I look like these days.. Size 12, DD, "good birthing hips" (giggity?), and I weigh about 155.

Now: my father and I on my wedding day 2 weeks ago

Some amateur modeling, showing curves and lines...ass ass ass ass 

It might sound ridiculous, but putting my measurements and weight up for people to see is very difficult. No one likes to admit they are a size they are not comfortable with. Media says I am overweight. Some days I agree, and other days, like today, I decide to disagree. Sure I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I have more important things to worry about. I am healthy, happy, and not unpleasant to look at...so it works out.

The main point I want to get across is that size is not everything. When you reach a certain place in life, pleasing everyone with your looks is not longer a priority. I am learning to be at peace with my body, instead of battling against it.

Love yourself, no matter how big your pants are (heyoooo), how wide your hips are, or how much ass you may or may not have. If the person you are with wants you to change what you look like, turn around and walk away from them. You'll find someone that will see your beauty emanate from the inside out, where it truly counts. 

It has taken me years of self-development and conquering bulimia to be able to say that. I don't need to lose weight because...fuck you!

Relationshits?

While having some girl talk with a good friend of mine about relationships and positive mindsets, I realized how much our mentality effects everything around us. If our mind is focused on internal fears, our subconscious will manifest these fears into reality. For example, have you ever had the feeling right when you woke up that the WHOLE day is going to be shitty? (Duh, it's called Monday...) Guess how your day turns out? Shitty. Everything sucks, and the small things reinforce what we woke up believing: "Janice didn't replace the sticky notes again. GODDAMMIT JANICE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!" When in reality, it's not that big of a deal. Spilled coffee? That's another reason to believe the ENTIRE day has turned to shit. Ridiculous out of context, but a relatable situation nonetheless. 

            
              We've all been there....

Looking at the bigger picture, we do this subconsciously with relationships, romantic and platonic. Speaking from personal experience, in most relationships, I firmly believe it is only a matter of time before that person walks away and leaves my life. This has happened, and it plays into abandonment fears that I've carried for a while. That fear that they are going to leave me becomes a reality because it effects my behavioral choices and emotional interactions. The mind is a powerful thing, and once you realize what fears you are playing into, you can change behavior and negative thoughts. Feeding fear takes a lot of energy, energy that could be spent on focusing on positive thoughts and behaviors. It took serious personal effort for me to understand and acknowledge my fears, and start to TRUST, the antithesis of fear. Once I let go of that fear, I was able to accept a healthy and loving relationship without the constant worry of "is today the day he's going to leave me?".

More often than not, the key to a healthy relationship is looking within and recognizing what is holding us back from emotionally connecting with another person. As the popular saying goes, you can't love someone until you love yourself. It's cliche, yes, I know, but there is a lot of truth to it. If you're in a constant internal conflict, how can you let someone in and expect the end result to be positive? It ends up in self sabotage because you think that person deserves someone better than what you have to offer. Stop it. Throughout life we will always have an issue to overcome, whether we bring it into the relationship or it develops during. Being under the expectation of perfection is unrealistic. You are not perfect, and neither is your partner. Embrace the imperfections and flaws of each other, and leave behind the demand of everything being perfect all the time. Real life is not at all like a romance novel. (Although I wouldn't mind a little fifty shades of grey action once in a while...heyooo!)


          

I realize that this blog is very "self-helpy" but having a degree in psychology and my emphasis be in Positive Psychology, I enjoy sharing ways to refocus consciousness. All the things I've said, somewhere in our minds we already know, and I'm just bringing it to the forefront of awareness. Plus, with the holidays coming up, there are a lot of ends to relationships (the foreboding "turkey drop" as I like to call it) and even some beginnings. This time of the year is hard for mostly everyone, it's a time of reflection, and hopes to make significant changes for the year to come.

Love like they won't be there tomorrow and love yourself just as much. 

And have sex. Lots, and lots of sex. Safe sex though... don't be a fool wrap your tool.

Fitting in to society: Who needs to?

Most of my life I have not quite fit into any one circle of society. In high school, I was too much of a"jock" to hang out with the "nerds". But I was too much of a "nerd" to hang out with the "jocks", and never in the "popular" crowd. So I mostly hung out alone, or with my 2 best friends. By the time I made it to college, my mindset became that I'm simply an outcast. Not the weirdo sacrificing goats in his dorm summoning spirits (although there is even a place for that guy with the Pagans and Wickens) but the outcast that doesn't have a definite social signifier.

            
                                    A goat. Isn't he cute?

Metal
The metal genre of music brought me into a subculture. It's odd because it is another interest of mine that ISN'T ACCEPTED IN SOCIETY. Dammit. Okay so not everyone can fall asleep to some intense pig squeals and brutal breakdowns. However, there is a view of "metal heads" that we are anarchists, detriment to social structure, uneducated, drug using, dirty, greasy, long-haired, miscreants... Alright, we all have that ONE friend that is exactly that (mine is named, Metal Bob...yeah..). That misconception leaves me not wanting to be forthcoming with my taste in music. My career background is corporate finance, and while I am in the middle of managing accounts, my headphones are flooding my brain cells with delicious screams and tasty breakdowns. It's entertaining when coworkers find out my favorite band, or the concerts I went to over the weekend (yeah, explaining black eyes or bruised ribs from a mosh pit isn't easy). I might love gut busting death growls, but dammit I am considerate to knowing that most people don't want to listen to what I like.

That brings me to...

Tattoos
The prevalence of young people in our generation getting tattoos is almost shocking. It is no longer a subculture, because pretty much everyone has at least 1 tattoo. A little butterfly on your hip, or stars on your feet: totally accepted. I, on the other hand, have every intention of as much skin as possible being tattooed. My arm, thigh, and ribs already have little to no skin showing. Sometimes I get a lot of shit for my artwork, people saying I "destroyed my body". I've even heard "you were pretty, until I saw those tattoos. It's a shame". Well. Fuck off. I have taken the path of owning my skin, it is my own, and I choose to make it beautiful how I see fit. My husband admires my art, he even has a favorite piece that he adores and cherishes. The fact that I had so many beautiful tattoos is what drew him to me initially (and my awesome ass, I mean, that thing is good). When someone puts down my tattoos, I feel that they are in fact putting down the different parts of who I am as a person. And that doesn't make anyone feel good at all.

                                                       
                                                                      Boomin' Granny

I respect your opinion about me, I cannot change it, I accept it, and I don't want to hear it if it's hurtful.

When we are younger, it is SO essential to fit in. To be well liked. Fulfill the template of what the media is putting out for us to be. We look at all the kids who have the hottest clothes, shoes, cell phones, and all that shit. Though as we get older, we start to realize (hopefully anyway) that not everyone will like us, approve of our lifestyle, accept our choices. And that's okay. My outward appearance can be deceiving and perceived as a brutal metal chick that doesn't have feelings, is an asshole, and is ignorant of classic culture. Sometimes I am content with that because it keeps the hurtful people out, and those who want to take the time to know me, realize the true me. Yeah, I'm pretty brutal at times, but I'm incredibly aware of peoples emotions and I feel deeply for others. Only few experience the soft-side, know that I am classically trained to play the piano, I am fluent in French and Italian, I can cook food from all cultures....oh, and I love robots, Star Wars and physics.

I am a physical contradiction.  

Be at peace with who you are. Love yourself. Embrace differences and similarities. Never lose who you are to please others. Turn your struggles into victories.