The Myth of My Strong Persona

 Our outward appearance says a lot about the person we are, what we like to do, and the social circles we interact with. We use our clothes, brands, make-up, tattoos, and shoes to "mark" ourselves and signify the groups we are associated with... we have the Bros, the metal-heads, stoners, high maintenance chicks, those loosely affiliated with gangs, nerds, D&D nerds (yes, I am acknowledging the difference), athletic dudes that never wear pants but always gym shorts, high maintenance men with more hair gel than a salon, overly committed sports fans, hippy free-spirits, the socially awkward socialites (personal favorite), heavily tattooed alternative men and women (another favorite, after all, that's where I fit best), and the "I'm getting old" young person.... If while reading that you couldn't picture anyone of those people as some of your friends, then you might want to make some friends.




It's ok if you don't have any friends...neither does awkward turtle.

There came a time in my life when I adopted the "bad-ass" persona. It was placed upon me, never self-proclaimed. So you punch a few guys and break a few of their noses, start a couple bar fights, challenge men that are 3 times your size, fuck shit up in mosh-pits, have a sleeve, and referee chick fights...all the sudden you become a bad-ass. Well, it might not be an incorrect label, however it puts pressure on me to always be that person.

I know what I am capable of in the physical sense, and that I don't back down if I feel justified that this person deserves an ass beating. But I don't always want to fight or engage in violence. The internal struggle that this label creates, and the fear of letting people know I am actually quite sensitive, continues to force me to stay "the bad-ass bitch" tough girl. Socially, I am not comfortable flirting, acting like a "lady", or pretending to fit in with other women. I actually don't like most women, because they are catty, rude, and always wrapped up in starting drama... I digress. Every once and a while, when I wear a dress I hear a friend or an acquaintance remark at the fact that I am indeed a lady. I crack jokes like "don't let this dress fool you, I'll still punch you." Yeah, it's funny and creates a humorous interaction (mostly with men that don't know if their dick should be scared or turned on...Fear Boner, FACT) but it makes me disappointed that that is how I am perceived even when I try to be different.

At the end of the day, I am left with a feeling that no one really knows who I truly am. My feelings continually are scarred from those who are insensitive and assume they cannot hurt me.

Sometimes I wonder what people would think of me if I just stopped being that tough girl, man fighting, metal-head. Would they know how to interact with me? Will I be perceived as a bullshitter?

Fitting in...a worry since pre-school.

                                  I am the duck...

The point is, my personality goes deeper than being a tough girl...because I'm not always tough. I have a heart that hurts like anyone else, feelings that get trampled on, emotions that aren't acknowledged or appreciated. I am patient, and caring.. to the point that I care for others more than myself. I don't want to forever be known as the girl who is more likely to break your nose than hug you...my heart is heavy with that worry.

So, what's behind the admission of being a Sensitive Sally? Perhaps for people who take the time to read this to get to know me, the true me. A few that I've known for a long time will read this and grasp the stress that this creates for me, and already know the person I am within. Maybe for others that have no idea who I am will start thinking more about those around them, and how they are perceived. We judge too harshly and draw unfair conclusions about people simply based on 30 seconds or less within meeting them.

I urge everyone to take a moment, upon meeting someone new, to give them a chance to prove you wrong. We all deserve a chance to be appreciated, loved, and acknowledged for being the people we truly are. After all, tough girls need love too...